I've been reading "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. Its certainly made me think. I wonder if my 2 big kids would consider me to have loved them unconditionally? I think I undoubtedly love them unconditionally - but as Mr Kohn points out - its the message they received, not the one I thought I was sending, that is important.
So I asked them - bemused though they were....
...and now I'm a very happy Mummy, because my 2 big kids, had absolutely no doubts at all that I had always loved them no matter what. Were they telling me what they thought I wanted to hear? They did initially ask if that's the answer I wanted - but when told I wanted to hear the truth - they couldn't come up with a single situation when they felt I hadn't loved them. So even if they felt it at the time - it certainly wasn't long lasting.
What more could I want?
2 comments:
That's a lovely post. I don't feel that I was loved unconditionally (my mother refused to talk to me for a year after I moved in with my now husband) and want my daughter to always know that she is. I hope when she's older I can ask her the same question and get the same response.
I do believe that my parents loved me unconditionally, I never had any doubt that they loved me, but I still won't raise my kids the way they raised me... but perhaps I'm a better parent because of their parenting than I realize.
Sure, I was loved unconditionally, but my autonomy was never respected, I was still not allowed to make my own decisions, but rather expected to obey (act right) and conform to what they wanted me to be.
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